The Just World Theory

I once wrote that people would be a lot happier if they stopped worrying about what other people should do for them and thought about what they could do for others. 

The golden rule is: One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself. That's it; no subtext, except we always seem to hold an unconscious addition or expectation that others will treat us in like kind. When this doesn't happen we often feel resentment, used, and somewhat betrayed.   I used to see this in relationships all the time.

The Just World Theory is a rather technical and complex theory in Psychology, but on a simpler level I think it is a belief there is a certain karmic tit for tat in the game of life; meaning if I am nice, nice things will happen to me.  In reality, bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.  Now there is a certain karmic kickback - if you are a complete jerk and need a helping hand your not likely to get it from all the people you have really, really irritated recently. On the other hand you are more likely to get help if you've been nice.   I know I have consciously gone out of my to avoid someone I find a complete PITA* and don't spend any more time with than absolutely necessary.  I'm just not available, polite - but not available.


This subject came up as I listened to an individual tell me about all the ways they go out of their way for their friends and how their friends don't reciprocate in equal fashion, how stressed, put upon and resentful they were feeling after doing all these nice things that no one was thanking them for.  I felt like saying set some boundaries or get new friends, but I didn't.   On some level I think this complaint is really arrogant  Friends may ask, but we have the right to say no.  A friend's world doesn't revolve around making sure we have the energy, time or money for what they ask.  On the other hand, once we commit to a request we should see it through and not try and bail because it suddenly got inconvenient, like house sitting a friend's animals. 

I think making things special for others is wonderful - but not if your expecting some kind of payoff down the road.  It's not a bank account.  There is a certain martyrdom in always saying yes and then resenting when your friends are always asking you for stuff. If you can't accommodate a friend's request, just say so you will get greater respect.  Just because someone asks doesn't mean we have to agree.  We teach people how to treat us.  Boundaries are hard to set sometimes, but they can be learned with practice.   Finding the balance is the tricky part, be kind and generous to others, but also to ourselves.

Some people are just jerks, some are bottomless pits of needs, some are professional victims who's lives are crisis driven and are always needing a helping hand, but there are a whole lot of people who are really very nice - not perfect, but a very nice balance of goodness and imperfection.  I'll take this last group thank you very much. 

To use a gardening metaphor - pull the weeds and keep the good stuff, there isn't room to have everything in the garden plot and someone beside the weeds should be making the decisions; and it seems really dumb to then complain that the weeds are...well.....acting like weeds.

*PITA - pain in the ass