On My Own (another non-book review)

With Nana in recovery I find that I am spending time catching up on reading, among other things.  I seem to have been given a number of self-help books from friends and family.  I tell myself this is a result of divorce, breast cancer, living completely by myself for the first time in my life rather than some deeper pathology they are hinting at.  Needless to say, I am working my way through these books. Ok, it has taken me almost 2 years to crack the first book, but I'm getting there.

On My Own
The Art of Being a Woman Alone
by Florence Falk

Ms. Falk is a psychotherapist (aren't they all?), but she has written a good book about the cultural influences that inform women's ideas of self and their place in the world.  She makes a case for the importance of solitude in self development and not seeing those times when we are alone as a negative, but as an important time for self exploration and growth. 

I agree that women have been brought up with societal myths that have not served them well.  But something that women do extremely well is create relationship and community.  Goes back to the days of sitting around the cave with all the other women and children while we waited for the boys to get back from throwing big sticks at small animals.  We learned to pay attention to others needs and try and keep things running smoothly less the boys started throwing big sticks at each other in the cave.  Origins of language can probably be traced to some women's need to yell:  "IF YOUR GOING TO CONTINUE TO DO THAT YOU NEED TO TAKE IT OUTSIDE - I MEAN NOW!!"  See, we know how to keep things running smoothly.

Having read this book, I was really struck by what big trouble men were in.  Particularly men over the age of 40.  Men have been catered to by women.  They depend on us for their social interactions, emotional support, laundry, etc.  I once flippantly said men think they are in a deep and meaningful relationship if they have a full belly, got a little in the last 24 hours and have a remote in their hands.  I don't think I am too far off the mark. They have abdicated any pretense to emotional growth.  My sister, in an effort to punish her husband refused to discuss anything or talk to him for two weeks.  At the end of two weeks when this effort was revealed to him, he was shocked.  He thought the last two weeks were great, the happiest they had been together.  Go figure.  By the way, I think my brother-in-law is the best. 

There is a growing movement of divorce after years of marriage.  Women in their 40's and 50's are wondering why they are  functioning as a personal convenience store to the lump on the couch watching sports.  When my mother died my father opined that women were better at circling the wagons and taking care of their own then men were.  Women know how to offer support, men know how to ask if you saw the playoffs.  While this might be gripping conversation under normal circumstances between men it lacks something when a partner of 50 plus years has died.

"Dude"
"Dude"
"My wife died"
Silence..........grunt........"I guess you missed the yesterday's game then."

So while women may have difficulty coming to grips with being in solitude, given our probably hardwired need to be in relationship, I think men over 40 are the ones headed for trouble as women become more accustomed to the gifts and grace of solitude and creating their own space without the need to pick up after anyone but themselves. Men are going to find themselves sitting in the dugout of life and no one is calling their name to join the game.